Damn, Traffic Jams Are A Real Nightmare For Old Geezers Like Me

Coming home from the In Law’s place a bit ago,on a good day its a forty five minute drive.

I forgot about Rush Hour.

Holy shit.

Just as I could feel the first signs of having to take a piss about half way home here comes the brake lights.

Traffic stops, picks up and then slows to a crawl and I am still three and a half miles away from the interchange from I-84 to I-205 Northbound.

Stop and go, it’s hotter than hell outside so I have the A/C going and the urge gets stronger with every passing foot.

The usual assholes cutting in and out thinking they are really doing something if they manage to get one car length in front of you two lanes over.

You know the deal.

I finally got onto 205 Northbound and it ain’t no better.

Two more miles of bumper to bumper horse shit and now I seriously gotta piss.

There ain’t no getting over and even if I did manage to get back off the freeway, God only knows how long it would take to find a place with a public rest room.

So I grit it out.

Another twenty five minutes to go ten freaking miles and I finally hit the side roads.

Pull up in front of the house, RUN to the door, fumble fuck with keys, get the door open just to have a fucking cat make a mad dash for freedom right between my legs and sprint to the bathroom.

I thought my kidney’s were gonna bust before I could Free Willy and start lettin’ it all hang out.


The joys of it all.

It’s just one more thing that nobody tells you about getting older when you are a kid.

Kinda like Mystery Pains.

You just get left to find these things out on your own.

The Hard Way.

26 thoughts on “Damn, Traffic Jams Are A Real Nightmare For Old Geezers Like Me

  1. I try to be gracious about these “limitations of age” that I keep running into. But it’s such a pi**off. I now know why so many grouchy old coots are the way they are.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Yeah. Old age gets you that kind’a thing.
    Throw a heart condition into the mix that they give you a “water pill” for, and watch what happens. I can’t go more that 30 minutes between restroom stops from 0700 (Medication time) and about Noon or 1300.
    I’ll skip one or two doses if I’m on the road, but if I skip more than that, I start bloating, and that ain’t good.

    Old age isn’t for the weak.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Just stay the hell away from the urologist.
    Those bastards lay awake at night thinking of places to send probes places where you thought were impossible to go.
    Look up what a T.U.R.P. is and weep.


    • One of my brothers is currently experiencing a kidney stone. He described the basket retrieval procedure to me that they’re going to employ. I hope to hell I never have to have that done.


  4. One of the joys of being 70 is getting up from a comfy chair and having my bladder say, “You ARE going to pee in 10 seconds, so you’d better be at a toilet in 9!”


    • You are exactly right, it’s gonna come out whether you want it to or not. These days i go in to wash my hands and soon as the water hits my hands i can feel the pee start to head out. That is a strange feeling.


  5. Piss jug in truck, check.
    Napkins from the fast food joint, check.
    A piss and/or a dump before leaving, check.
    Ability to drive a stick shift with legs crossed so you don’t shit/piss yourself? Um, haven’t mastered that one yet, but working on it.

    And farts are ALWAYS funny, in retrospect.


  6. Three cardinal rules once you are past 50:

    1) Never pass up the opportunity to pee
    2) Never trust a fart
    3) Never waste a hard-on



  7. > Those bastards lay awake at night thinking of places to send probes places where you thought were impossible to go.

    Do they wear black vinyl and thigh-high boots?

    Phil, I’m so sympathetic. I commuted on the Banfield back in the early 80’s and it sucked then – can’t imagine how bad it is now, er, unless I try I25 during rush hour, which I avoid like the plague.

    Defcon-1? Yeah. No fun.


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