You Know It’s True

I couldn’t even possibly begin to count the amount of times that I wished the asshole who designed what I was trying to fix was there so that I could choke them to death with my bare hands.

A lot of what I have learned over the past fifty years of taking things apart and putting them back together again has been how to outsmart these motherfuckers.

Modifying shit, drilling holes, cutting access holes in sheet metal panels, bending shit out of the way instead of having to remove half an engine just to get to one fucking bolt, heating up and bending wrenches, you know what I am talking about.

I long ago came to the conclusion of saying FUCK THESE GUYS and doing whatever it takes to make the job easier on myself instead of beating my brains out and spending hours and hours of unnecessary work just because The Book says to do something one certain way if I think I can get away with it.

Working at a dealership for ten years getting paid Flat Rate hones your skills of figuring out how to do something in the most expedient way.

Sometimes getting a bigger hammer is actually the best way after all.

29 thoughts on “You Know It’s True

  1. Word. I always said that any automotive engineer should have to demonstrate and perform all of the associated maintenance and repair tasks associated with a design, before that design was released. And I mean personally demonstrate and perform.

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  2. Years back I acquired a poster that states the following;

    It is the function of the design engineer to make life difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the service man.

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  3. “We can’t put everything on top for you.”

    “You’re the first person to have that problem with the equipment.”

    Best one of all was the service manual from the sixties showing the “Use BFH to remove this part.” The sixties. Men were men back then. Even the long haired hippies.

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  4. Error code on an automotive computer chip translated to: If you arrived here due to an error, lots of luck. The next time I looked, it had been deleted.

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    • And Japanese engineers are the worse, what, with their small hands and smaller dicks they make it next to impossible to repair most jap cars, ‘cuz the clearances are non-existent for us big handed, big dicked American boys.

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  5. When I worked at a Ferd/Mercury dealership I was the automotive electronics and dash guy. I had a top of the line Grand Marquis in with a blower motor out, the flat rate manual said it was 40 hours to R&R that dash, I did it in 23 hours. The dealership was gonna pay me for that 23 and of course charge the customer the 40. I said not only hell no, but fuck hell no. Flat said 40 I get 40! Just because I learned to do it in less time was to my benefit , not the dealer. The customer was happy his A/C and heater worked.I told the service manager don’t ever try to cheat me out of my time. I told him he would find himself out back behind the oil lube drums wondering where the brick had hit ’em…

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    • Ceder – I had a room mate once upon a time who could do a normal job in about half the ‘shop rate’ – and that particular dealer was glad to pay him for the full shop rate since that was what they billed the customer for. Needless to say he did quite well – enough to pay cash for a new upscale car after working there for about a year. And lots of adult toys there after. And NO I did not let him park his jet ski in the dining room the winter after he got it 😉

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    • Then maybe you can ID the little hot rod I had. It was a Ford two seater with a hatchback. Early 1980s vintage or there about. It would handle turns like nobody’s business and stick shift front wheel drive made it super fun to drive. I’m pretty sure it it was Ford but could have been a Mercury. 100% positive it was either one of those.

      But to work on it was a nightmare. F’rinstance, to remove the oil filter I had to first drain and remove the radiator. On a stock car with no mods!?

      It got to the point it was easier to just disconnect stuff than repair it. I finally rolled it down the street to let it be towed away (cost me $75). So much didn’t work it would be hard to sell. Ain’t no one got time for that. Sheet.

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  6. Back in the late 70’s and to the mid 80’s I worked the WY oil fields, for a while I was a oiler on a huge dirt spread prepping for a Exxon gas plant, I worked on Cat’s, Fat Alice (Fiat-Allison), ect ect, Changing oil on the Fat Alice’s was hell, filters placed in inaccessible place, try holding up a twenty some inch steel can holding 2 filters with a spring loaded threaded rod at full arm extension trying like hell to compress that spring and thread the rod. To this day I hate Fiat Allison and would love to burn every one of those MF’s and kill all the designers/draftsmen. The Cat’s were well designed, great access and I love them. I never have worked on the jap stuff, they were just barely cracking the market back then. Buy American.

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  7. As a mechanic, I once gave some vocal displeasure to an engineer who was within earshot. His response? “Don’t complain about where we put stuff. It can be designed a whole lot worse and still function the management wants.”
    He was pissed at me for proving his hydraulic system wasn’t exactly functioning the way he wrote in the manual.

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  8. As a guy who once drive delivery trucks in town, the same things could be said about the…unique?..loading docks designed by architects.
    You know they never tried backing a truck up into those artistic wonders.

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  9. Oh yeah, Cederq? That’s not what your old girlfriends say! Just wondering, I know nurses here earn $100,000 per year, so why would you bust knuckles on mech jobs, for less? Especially seeing as how Hillary has never had to pay you yet!

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    • Yeah, Aussie. I had other jobs besides the nursing jobs. One can never have enough skills and talents outside of just having one. I can shovel horse shit too. I was a a driver for Airgas too, drove liquid O2 tankers when I hung up my nursing. Australian dollar is worth about 57 cents here so your nurses were making just about minimum wage… I worked Friday, Saturday and part of Sunday nights, worked 32 hours, got paid for 40. I had the whole week to do other things.

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      • Oh crap no! Oh well, I’ve had a shitty enough life. I was able to walk into the council library today, and access the site on a real PC.
        Boy, you and Phil have some ‘splaining (Lucy cultural reference, last time I watched TV) to do to the librarian ladies. And you thought Hillary was bad, well she is, but cranky librarians beat her.

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        • I ain’t the one that has any “Splainin'” to do, that would be on you.
          Years ago I had a warning on one of my Blogs saying it wasn’t Kid Friendly but fuck that noise.
          It ain’t like there are nekkid wimmins all over the place so I don’t worry about it.

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          • Just a joke. They threw me an odd glance at the chuckles I emitted when I had a scroll past some of your .gif posts, I’d never been able to see them on my phone. They treat me alright, even call me ‘Mister’, they must pity crippled old farts of 60yo!

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  10. I couldn’t even possibly begin to count the amount of times that I wished the asshole who designed what I was trying to fix was there so that I could choke them to death with my bare hands.

    Remember, jerkwads like that wear frikken TIES.. Which are nothing more than fashionable nooses.. And, BTW, Id like to get my hands on whoever decided wearin those irritating things, too.

    Anyway,, you can choke them out a lot easier using their own tie,, but, the completely manual throttling would be more cathartic.. Just tossin ya options,, in case your hands are sore from rasslin with the crap thats impossible to work on..

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  11. Hey! I happen to BE an Engineer. Last year I couldn’t pronounce engunear, now I are one…

    But! I am of the firm conviction that there should be an apprenticeship program before you can become a *real* engineer, just so you can work on crap designed by other engineers. That way you can gain an appreciation of the grunts that actually have to WORK on your brainchilds. I spent many years cursing the wet-behind-the-ears (just out of College) trained idiots that designed abortions that were supposed to work! At least MY crap worked, mostly because I overengineered my circuits, my code, and my hardware so that it wouldn’t require repair, and also made SURE you could get to it to work on it. Most of my crap was ugly, but it worked and continued to work. Some of it is STILL working, decades later – the owners don’t want to replace it. Gun shy, y’know. If it ain’t broke…

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  12. So many times I cursed the design bureau of Bell Helicopters when I had to climb up into the hell-hole, squirming around the cargo hook, to adjust the hydraulic servo actuators for the main rotor pitch change links. Those damn things were placed with the bolts and safety wiring right up against the bulkhead. Couldn’t see what I was doing, and finger tips at best. Most of the bigger guys just couldn’t get in there, so every time a TAMMS bulletin came down it was me and/or Willcutt that had to do all 16 or our pigs out on the flight line.

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  13. Reminds me of when the auger belt broke on my Murray snowblower. As the snow came down, I was in the driveway following the instructions. Two hours into it, I gave up and called the help number. I told the guy what the issue was and his answer: “The instructions that go with your snowblower are wrong.” Then he explained how to change the belt. Is it any wonder that Murray is now out of business?

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  14. What you are seeing is the end result of the modifications insisted on by the bean counters AFTER the engineers did the design work. Those bean counters are factoring in costs of parts, costs of assembly/disassembly and cash flow for mechanics at dealerships.

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  15. Back in college as an engineering technologist, we had to design a part and then they made us machine ourselves. That taught a lot about just because you can design it doesn’t mean its buildable.

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