The Last Minute Christmas Shopping Panic Attack

Damn Wife anyway.

She has gotten downright strange these last couple of years when it comes to prying what the fuck she wants for Christmas out of her.

Last year about a week before Christmas, after bugging the shit out of her asking what she wants for two straight weeks, she walks up to me sitting in my recliner, slaps down this list of shit and snarls at me, “Don’t Ask Any Questions”.


So I look at this list and think, Oh Shit, I’m Fucked.

I had already ordered some damn ring that she had Oh So Cleverly told her damn sister she wanted, knowing that the sister would blab to me about it.

There was shit on their like this damn frying pan, a Crock Pot, one of them damn Air Fryer fucking things ( which she has never used) and some other weird shit.

I was calling her fucking sisters and her kid trying to find out where all of this shit was, Wally World had some of it but this one particular frying pan with a glass lid turned out to be one elusive motherfucker and I wound up driving all over the damn place finding it.

I wound up at some Bed and Bath place but I found it.

THIS YEAR, she got even weirder.

I bugged and bugged her for three fucking weeks, give me a list dammit.

Last Saturday night, at 11 fucking 45 mind you, she pulls the same shit as last year.

She walks up, throws down a used envelope and walks away.

I snatched that fucker up…

And almost couldn’t read it.

Fuck me.

A bunch of weird, hard to find candy, a bottle of Bailey’s for her Christmas coffee, some Lottery tickets , a Gift Card (VISA) and this pair of Seahawks “Leggings”, size XL.

At least she was kind enough to let me know  that THERE WAS TWO PAIR OF THESE LEGGINGS LEFT at a Wally World half way across town…

She has been bitching about not being able to find shit that fits, so she lays this little bit of info on me at almost Midnight, after she had obviously been there, twelve hours earlier.

I dunno, how long do any of you expect something like that to last at a Wal Mart around here, during Christmas season, on a weekend?

Anyone? Bueller?


I fucking jumped up out of my chair and hauled ass up to this Wal Mart, she was even kind enough to let me know where they were at in the store, and commence to hunting.

At OH Twenty Seven, that would be 0027, or damn near Twelve thirty, I found ,

THE LAST PAIR in the size she wanted.

Fuck me, that was close.

Them fuckers wouldn’t have been there the next day for sure.

I forgot all about the candy she wanted, which I’m sure was there also, I was just happy to find these damn leggings and I picked up the Bailey’s, the Lottery tickets and the VISA gift card yesterday.

So last night after work, I remembered the candy.

But I don’t have The List.

This same Walmart now looks like a hurricane blew through their Christmas candy aisle and it’s One Thirty in the morning.

I wandered around that fucker for 45 minutes , desperately trying to remember what the fuck kind of candy it was, she is REALLY picky about that shit and if you have been paying attention, THOSE ARE THE ONLY THINGS LEFT ON THE LIST!


I hunted and hunted, grabbing anything even remotely close to what I vaguely remember being what she wants.

First thing this morning I wake up in a cold sweat remembering this fucking candy.

I dig through all the shit piled up on the little table next to my chair and finally find this damn list, ready to fly out the door again.

After some serious squinting and holding it up to the light just so, with my tongue stuck out the right side of my mouth and clenched in my teeth, I think I may have actually found the right shit last night, by accident.

I fucking hope so.

I kept bugging her but she swears that is all she wants for Christmas.

I smell a rat.

She is going to pull some shit out of her ass later, I can feel it.

Her Birthday is only a couple of weeks after Christmas so I will be on High Alert until then.

In the mean time, I am covering my tiny little flat ass.

I took a hundred bucks out and am going to stick it in her stocking later.


Thanks for stopping by and Merry Christmas to you.

I hope yours is a whole lot less stressful than mine has been so far. Now maybe you can see why I hate this shit so much.


15 thoughts on “The Last Minute Christmas Shopping Panic Attack

  1. Merry Christmas Phil. I believe all women are kin to each other and do this shit to watch us jump through our asses. Here’s hoping you did good and nothing goes sideways for Christmas.


  2. You have the list for next year, consisting of consumables like candy/alcohol. Add in some clothing (tell her if she complains “I thought you would look good in that” and she can return it if she wants) and anything else you think she wants or the sisters tell you about. Breeze into the house after Black Friday weekend and announce you’ve finished shopping for her. Crack a cold one and relax for the rest of the year.
    Merry Christmas


  3. Feel for ya Phil, but mine always says “I don’t want anything” and won’t even give hints, so I just go and get something from some catalog I know she has been nosing and hope for the best. Not that she needs anything mind you, the lady has 10, no strike that, 50 times any wardrobe I ever had in 40 years of business travel and too much bling to ever wear at once.

    Merry Christmas and a Happy and Prosperous New Year


  4. I van relate, man…
    My wife NEVER tells me what she wants. This year it seems I didn’t hit her sweet spot. Maybe I didn’t buy enough or the wrong things but there’s an unmistakable snarling sound radiating from her whenever I’m getting close.
    Maybe I should withdraw to the fallout shelter – alas, I don’t have one.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Guys, I am blessed mightily this Christmas, the wife unit is now trained to expect NOTHING from me, because her birthday is the 15th (!) and I am always getting her things she wants/needs and telllng her, “This is for your birthday” or “This is for Christmas” and when the day rolls around all she needs is a card and a dinner out. Like I said, I am blessed tremendously, and I recognize that!! It helps that we have enough and more, and don’t need crap filling our basement/garage.

    Happy Birthday Jesus, and Merry Christmas one and all! Stay safe, stay healthy, and appreciate the bounteous goodness we all have!


  6. I think the major difference between the two genders (and yes, there are only
    two of them,) is that the female of the species ended up with the Nerosis gene.
    If you ever hear the words nothing, nothing special, or don’t go out of your
    way, that is a sign you are a dead man walking!

    If you come home from a hard day’s work and she starts bitching about what a
    bad day she had, it is a trap. She is not looking for answers or solutions to her
    problems, she just wants to vent.

    If a woman is in a foul mood, run! There is a good chance she is stewing about
    the time you left the toilet seat up six months ago or some other trivial issue.


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