Because, you know, nothing makes a guy’s holiday season better than having to tear apart household appliances in the middle of the kitchen floor on the last day of his already shot clear to shit 3 day weekend, right?
As soon as I hit the door after work Thursday night and see the Wifely Unit is still up I knew bad things was a comin’.
Call it a hunch, she is never still up when I get home.
Sure as shit, she tells me she was sitting on her ass watching television and heard what sounded like a big crash in the kitchen earlier.
Naturally she gets up to investigate but doesn’t see anything obvious.
No dishes fell out of the cabinets onto the counter, the microwave is still hanging over the stove, it’s a mystery.
But of course, now that I am barely in the door, I get to go take a looksie.
After a quick compulsory scouting of the perimeter, I get a Sgt. Schultz.
I see nothing.
Whatever it was, we will find it later I’m sure, I am tired and I could give a fuck right now.
Famous, last, words.
Friday I am up and out the fucking door and headed to THE MALL.
You already know this because I done bitched about that right after it happened.
Friday evening it’s off to my Mom’s place for a family gathering that we didn’t get back home from until almost ten o:clock that night.
Saturday I am literally up and running and have to go across the river clear on the other side of Troutdale for yet another family gathering. I woke up twenty five minutes before I was supposed to be there.
I have a HUGE extended family full of Step brothers and cousins and I’m not joking when I say that back in the late 70’s there would be a hundred fucking people show up at their family Christmas party.
Since then quite a few of the old timers have passed on and the cousins have drifted apart.
Anyways, After I get back from all that yesterday thinking I may finally have one motherfucking day to myself before this next round of Christmas bullshit starts, I walk in the door and the first fucking thing out of my Old Lady’s mouth is,
“We Have A Problem”.
Instantly a thousand nightmare scenarios scream through my mind but before I can put words to any of them, she crooks her finger in that “follow me” gesture and out to the kitchen she goes.
I don’t wanna.
There is a bad thing in there, I can feel it.
Bigger than shit, she pulls open the cabinet door, pulls the garbage can out and points to the contents.
Peering inside I see a round thing that was a glass lid for a cooking pot but it is now five hundred pieces of shattered glass in a somewhat circular shape.
She then points to a small bowl with a small handful of some of the missing pieces out of the shattered lid, THEN, she opens up the dishwasher and points inside.
Please, God, NO!
It’s full of water.
Somehow or another, this tempered glass lid fell down inside the dishwasher and shattered all over the inside of the fucker.
Hence the big Bang noise she heard the other night.
Triple bonus for Uncle Phil, a whole bunch of the glass shards got into the discharge pump impeller and locked that little bitch up tighter than a Preacher’s prick in a calf’s ass…
So first thing as soon as I got up today, I was cleaning out cupboards all around the dishwasher to get to the hoses, dragging the Shop Vac in the kitchen to suck as much of the water and glass as I could out of the dishwasher drain, figuring out how to get the dirty fucker out from under the cabinet, tipping it on it’s side to get at both water pumps, cleaning up all the water that immediately leaked out of the damn thing onto the floor, figuring out what I need to get the pumps out, actually getting the pumps out, to find this.
Oh yeah baby, Good Times.
I managed to suck all that glass out with the Shop Vac, cleaned up the seals and the sealing surfaces, smoothed a little O Ring grease around the seals and buttoned the pumps back up. Then put all the shit back together, slide the washing machine back into place, hook the hoses back and up then hit the Start button.
Damn electronic bastard, there is no way to speed up the cycle with a knob. You just get to sit there and wait for it to do it’s thing. I don’t know how long I laid on the floor in front of it looking for leaks, waiting to see if it would pump it’s self out but it was at least twenty minutes.
Bigger than shit, about half way through the cycle, I see water dripping out of the corner of the front door at the bottom. The exact same place it was leaking a month or so ago when I had to replace the bottom door seal.
So I stopped the cycle to see what that was about and Lo and Behold, the pump actually came on and pumped the water out!
I spent another hour tearing shit apart, cleaning surfaces, checking this and that, pulling the new seal out and generally fighting the thing trying to find this leak.
I finally took the door skin off and bigger than shit, you can actually see this bottom seal and watch what is going on while the thing is running. To make this already long story short, it’s the main door seal now. It’s old and fucked up right at that bottom corner and letting more water get by than the little bottom door seal can handle.
So guess what I get to do tomorrow?
One fucking day before Christmas eve, on a work day?
Try to find a new seal, so I can work on this dirty sonofabitch some more, right at fucking Christmas time!
I’m thinking that may be a problem.
I dicked round with that seal and slowed the leak way down, The Wife my just have to live with putting a bowl under that corner of the dishwasher and emptying it out until I can get to it.
Either that or she can do the dishes by hand.
Merry Fucking Christmas honey.
My entire weekend has now been used up and I still have more of this Christmas shit to deal with.
I’m telling ya when this one is over and I get that motherfucking dishwasher fixed?
The entire world can kiss my fucking ass come next weekend.