Someone Is Going To Be Late To The Prom


I had to work on a few of those miserable sonsabitches back in the day and learned to hate them with a passion. I never have understood why people get so damn excited about them.

They are Fucking Hack Jobs, all of them. I don’t care how shiny they are, someone cut a perfectly good car in half and welded an extension back in the middle.

Here’s a nice challenge for ya, try to pick one of those fuckers up in the air so you can work on the stuff underneath

We had the old Two Post hoists at the dealership I worked at. One hoist for each end. The back on would pick vehicles up by the solid rear axle housing and the front one would grab the lower control arms on the front suspension.

The front one was on rollers so you could pry bar it back and forth for longer or shorter rigs.

Those fucking Limo’s were so long it maxed out the travel and you had to be one careful motherfucker picking them up. Both ends had to go up and back down at the same rate.

Because they maxed out the travel on the hoists, they couldn’t self center, you grabbed what you could and made damn sure that the front hoist hooks didn’t pop off the control arms because the hoist controls were on the floor.

Directly underneath the front bumper.

All of this after you spent ten minutes just getting it in the work stall straight.

They are so long that you had to make sure the stall directly across the shop was empty so that you could back up into it after you tried to turn it into your stall and go back and forth until it was completely straight over the hoists.

Sure they are all pretty inside too, right?

Start taking that divider inside apart and you find plywood and heater hoses, electrical cables and shit just laying wherever they will fit. Double drivelines underneath with carrier bearings and all kinds of weird shit on those things.

Our Service manager finally banned them from the shop because they were such a pain in the ass and the liability was too much for him.

It didn’t matter if it was a Lincoln just like that one or not.

They sure as shit didn’t have any warranty coverage after being hacked in half anyway.


6 thoughts on “Someone Is Going To Be Late To The Prom

  1. And they just look stupid as hell. Besides, a True Limo has all the stretch after the read doors, not before. In a real limo the VIP sits in the back opposite the driver without there being a door next to him/her/it.


  2. i’m one of the lucky peons who installed and worked on those lifts. Those front/rear two post hoists were nasty. Back in the eighties, I saw a strech limo that ended up on it’s side because the mechanic didn’t load it on the lift correctly. In full disclosure, I once ‘stabbed’ a Mustang II right through the grill with a hoist arm when a mechanic pulled it into the bay I was servicing. Good times…


  3. When I was wrenching at the Chevy, then later a Ford dealership they had asymmetrical lifts and I hated those with a passion and had four heavy extended braces I put on four corners so I had a chance to get out from under before it collapsed. Asymmetrical and front/rear two post lifts should be outlawed by OSHA as dangerous. I went to work at an independent shop and was given a large truck drive-on lift with three air-jacks and all of the mechanics had it, The owner was not about to put the other kind in his shop as he was pinned under one when he was younger and working at a dealership.


  4. Stretch limos as an idea are stupid, granted, but booting one because he parked like that?

    I’d come back with a gennie and an angle grinder, and they’d need a new boot right quick.
    80/20 it’s mallcop rent-a-cop fucksticks trying to be carnapping badasses.

    Tow me or blow me.


  5. When I was working in Florida I had a customer with a fleet of 3 Lincoln limos. ALL shitboxes. Everything you say about them being hack jobs is the truth.”Touch of class” Was the biz name If I remember correctly. One night a driver ran something over on the Howard Franklin bridge and popped 2 tires on the driver side. AAA came and jacked it up with 2 jacks. Both center side windows exploded. The end.


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