WTF?!!!!! TORNADO??!!!

I’m sitting here with my thumb in my ass, surfing the net and occasionally talking to the wife when all of a sudden my phone starts going berzerk and flashing at me with some kind of alert.


Well now, ain’t that about enough to pucker your ass

Me and her looked at each other and said, now what?

There is nowhere to hide from one of those sonofabitches around here. None of the houses around here have basements and cellars are a quaint little notion from the past.

As I got up to go take a peek outside and get an idea of whether we should jump in a rig and bail out, the kid texted the wife and said he could see it from across the river at Jantzen Beach. We went out to look and there was a MASSIVE Jet Black Cloud a couple miles to the West of us.

We watched it for a few minutes, the new neighbor came out and asked if this was normal, apparently they’re from South Dakota. We said no but we do get them occasionally, She asked if there were Tornado Sirens here and we said no, just the phone alerts. We watched the huge cloud move up to the North, I judged we should be OK as it looked like it was going to miss us and keep tracking North East by North beyond us so we came back in the house.

We sat down and then the television went to a Tornado Warning immediately after we sat down and it said one had actually been spotted in Orchards, which is one fucking mile North of us. It spreads out West of us too so I am assuming it was somewhere underneath that huge fucking thunder head.

Now the Weather on the news is showing pictures of multiple funnel clouds from pictures people have sent them from all around Portland.

About the only defense we have from something like that is to bail the fuck out and try to drive away from it if we get enough warning or get underneath the wrap around  wall desk in the little computer room my wife uses right in the middle of the house and pray there would be something left after it hit.

To be honest, I was about thirty seconds away from grabbing my Go Bag and getting the fuck out of here.

If that cloud had been heading even a little bit this way instead of North, I wouldn’t be here right now.

Before I hit the publish button, more news is happening.

New warning issued after tornado spotted over Orchards, near downtown Vancouver


The National Weather Service issued a new tornado warning, this time for Orchards, at 7:47 p.m. Sunday after a tornado was observed.

PORTLAND, Ore. — The National Weather Service issued a second tornado warning Sunday at 7:47 p.m., this time for south central Clark County in Southwestern Washington. The warning is until 8:15 p.m.

“A confirmed tornado was located over Orchards, or near Vancouver Downtown, moving east at 15 mph,” the NWS reported.

The NWS reported that the tornado would be near Mill Plain around 8:05 p.m. and Hockinson around 8:15 p.m.

Other locations impacted include Sifton, Vancouver Mall, Minnehaha, and Brush Prairie, including the following highways in Washington:

  • Interstate 205 between mile markers 31 and 32
  • State Route 503 near mile marker 2

Earlier Sunday, the NWS issued a tornado warning for Multnomah County at 6:47 p.m. after weather spotters reported a funnel cloud. The first warning ended at 7 p.m.

I am less than four miles away from that Vancouver Mall.

It is just on the other side of I-205.

Fucker was a little too close for comfort and I can still feel the adrenaline hit fifteen minutes later.


23 thoughts on “WTF?!!!!! TORNADO??!!!

  1. It’s a sign, buy that double wide and build a shop with a basement, then, eventually add a one bed, one and a half bath, kitchen living room. Put the kids over the shop with his own one bed one bath.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Live in Texas, spend a lot of time in Oklahoma working…….your response to a tornado was…..uhmmm…….entertaining. Take those warnings seriously. Your loyal readers would like to keep you around (for a while). Keep in mind storm cells that generate tornadoes, may create more than one in the same area. May I suggest a storm cellar. Another possibility is a bathroom, preferably in the center of the house. The plumbing in the walls help shield against flying objects. Get in the tub, cover up with mattresses, couch cushions. If no bathroom, interior closet. After that, say a prayer.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Entertaining as in “What a dumbass” kind of way I take it.
      I do what I can.
      ( 8>0
      That little computer room shares the wall a bathtub is up against in a bathroom on the other side so there is that and the plumbing right there, the kitchen is on the opposite side of it with the fridge up against that wall.


      • if you can’t dig, then build a concrete w/steel reinforcement redoubt about six feet high with the walls at least ten inches thick with some sloped dirt piled against the walls like a munitions bunker. entrance needs the same. ammo bunkers survive almost anything. scale the design down and bobs yer uncle.
        saw armor vehicles parts distributed at random at fort sill and lockheed and boeing airplane bits and pieces scattered all around Altus AFB. roof should be stout and tied into the soil. most survivors do so by staying out of the path of flung objects like wood studs, cars, cows, what have you…combines and tractor trailers? if it rolls right over you, prayer never hurts.
        been there done that in SW OK.


  3. We had severe thunderstorms roll through here this afternoon. MUCH lightning and thunder! Reports of Inch-and-a-Half hail, and wind gusts of 65MPH were coming in from East and South of here, more on the Plains than we are.


      • Yeah, having serious-size hail is totally new to me. A couple of years ago the place where The Kids were living got clobbered by 1/2″ hail, and the house looked like somebody opened up on it with a Ma Deuce!

        Now they have a new STEEL roof, and new STEEL siding on the place.

        Should be good-to-go until the 1″ hail comes along…..


  4. I turned the heat on today as it got a little chilly but we have had no Tornado Warnings this summer, Watches yes, but no funnel clouds. You be lucky! I just love me a good tornado… Those tornadoes could have turned them selves around and wiped out Portland to teach them a God Wraith!

    Liked by 1 person

    • They actually started the warnings over in Hillsboro an hour before they got over here so the damn thing skipped right over Portland.
      Darwin needs a beatin’ for missing that opportunity.
      Of course then again it would have only fucked up decent folks because that’s how they work.


  5. Another Texas Prepper Boy Here and I have lived through six tornadoes in my life, two of them pretty bad where we lost property, lvestock and pets. I will re-iterate JPD’s advice, forget about “Bugging Out”…your chances of dying or getting hurt go up exponentially if you leave your house, best bet since you are handy is Build you a deep storm cellar and in the mean time Plan on taking refuge in the center of the house in a bathroom, in a tub with a mattress over your head. Tornadoes are nothing to F_ck around with.


  6. The North Vietnamese installed sections of 4 ft diameter concrete pipe vertically alongside roads in the Hanoi and Haiphong area as individual bomb shelters during the SE Asian Festival Period. They might even still be there, I dunno.

    Same thing would work for you, but I’d go a bit larger. Rent a backhoe, dig a hole and put an 8 ft long 8 ft diameter length of concrete pipe in vertically. Might need a small crane to handle the pipe, it’ll be heavy. I’ve seen pre-cast lids for concrete pipe up to 4 feet in diameter, no idea if they’re available for 8 footers, if they are – and have a manhole (oops, “personhole”) in them, it gets easy. If not, some 4X4s and plywood to build forms, a little rebar and some nails you could pour a lid. If it’s thick enough it won’t need internal vertical supports to prevent collapsing if something heavy gets dropped on it. FYI, put a 20 ton jack, a length of 6X6 and some 6X6 cutoffs for blocking in the shelter. If something happens to fall over the “personhole” cover – loose debris, a tree, your car, part of your house – you’ll need something to lift the “personhole” cover with that crap on it, and block it open far enough to crawl out.


  7. I’m from Arkansas and I agree with the Texas posters. Try to drive out from under the storm is a good way to drive into a funnel cloud you didn’t see or hear about. That’s death!
    We have a program administered at the county level where emergency management distributes FEMA money to fund putting tornado shelters on private property. I paid $1900 installed for a shelter in my backyard. (This was after watching a tornado pass over my house, clip my barn, then touch down in my pasture and grind on the ground for thirty plus miles, killing several people.) About six months after the installation i got a check from emergency management for $1000 in reimbursement.
    And tornadoes do often times follow similar paths to previous ones.
    Don’t take them lightly!


  8. The good thing is a few simple steps will increase you and your family’s chances of surviving a t’nader exponentially. Another positive thing is even a GIANT one is only a mile wide. Literally, your house will be untouched while your neighbor’s house will be gone…. it’s wise to take the warnings seriously, and keep the other members of the family calm as possible. Never jump in the rig and try to outrun it unless a clear path of the tornado is defined and the roads enable you to evac at a right angle to the predicted path. Flying cars and shit is what kills people as the winds are 200 to 300 mph in a monster tornado. There are pictures of a piece of straw hay driven through a 4×4 post so flying debris is the main hazard. Glad you and the family unit are okay. I see them every year and it still scares the shit out of me every fucking time !!!



  9. I live in eastern nc so hail storms and twisters just happen here. To wet in most places for under ground shelters so its the hall closet and the tub for us. The house I’m in right now lost the whole roof to a tornado in 98. We’re inland about 100 miles, when the hurricanes come in most times its the twisters that scare me the most. This last one, Dorian, spawned one about a mile north and another about 6 miles south. They can be in the hurricane rain bands so there is no eyeballing them, we have to depend on the weather alerts alone.


  10. Back in the 80s right after Exposition Blvd. in Los Angeles was renamed, Martin
    Luther King Blvd. a mini-tornado ripped some roofs off in L.A. I thought it was
    a sign. If tornadoes are rare in Washington state, the odds are astronomical
    that one would hit Southern California.

    I now live in Burnt Scrotum CA (the High Desert,) about 15 miles north of
    the San Andreas Faultline. I know the idea that California could fall off into
    the sea is an unscientific fantasy, but should it happen, I’ll risk my ass just to
    see the left coast devastated! If I survive the quake, I have canned and dry
    foods, water, etc. I just want to see the modern-day Soddom (San Fran-
    freakshow) buried under a million tons of rubble!


  11. Over the course of one winter in FL we dodged a half dozen of them. Pretty tough to find a place to hide when on a small slow sailboat, but we managed. One came close enough that we saw roof tiles flying by.


  12. Our house is 2.5 miles north of the Beauregard AL tornado that killed 23. We put in a “safe” room just for twisters. Dirt and cinder block on two walls and double 3/4″ marine grade plywood on the others. Inward opening steel door. Nail, bolt and screw everything to the foundation. Go check out after tornado pictures where the house is wiped off the first level floor. I saw the 11/17/13 Washington Il tornado. Pretty Wife lost a classmate in that one. Put some preps in the room and basic First Aid kit too.



  13. Hey Phil, don’t look a gift horse in the nutsack. Next big twister comes your way, park that Bronco in front of it, with a big army surplus air-drop freight parachute tied to it. With luck it may just land in Kansas.


  14. I’m in with cap’n fast and co. If you don’t have the $ for a backhoe and giant precast pipes, something along the lines of a two-person cement igloo recessed into the yard might do it. Put in a pair of cots so you can just go out and spend the night if the weather report gets too exciting.


  15. About at year ago while on a trip to Clearlake Iowa with a friend, we saw a storm build many miles south of us as we turned south onto I-35 in Albert Lea, MN. Man that looks bad we said. A couple miles later we got passed by a couple storm chasers. That’s not good. Around 20 miles later the tornado warnings came on. A tornado dropped 5 miles east of us as we drove south. We’ll be ok, as we here headed south and it was headed northeast. Then it changed to a southeast path. Crap. I sped up as much as I could, what, with traffic and heavy rain. We watched the roll cloud as it got closer and closer. I told my buddy to get some pictures and he said “I don’t have my camera!” I said it’s in your hand! Cell phone, No pics. A-hole. It crossed the Interstate less than a mile behind us. There is footage of my truck passing by a storm chaser once we got off the interstate and onto highway 18 with a second tornado in the background. Spooky stuff.
    Three tornados touched down in Sioux Falls, SD last night. Two less than a my from my brother and sister in laws” house. Spooky stuff.


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