What Did I Do On My Day Off?

Lemme run this one past ya.

So my “normal” work schedule has been 4-10’s for a few months now.

Monday through Thursday “swing shift”, 3 PM to 1 AM. I usually get back home about 1:30.

40 hours a week, right?

Every once in a while we have extraordinary circumstances and have to put in some longer hours, last Friday I went in voluntarily for 4 hours to help finish up putting a machine back together to make a little extra money.

Two weeks ago they come out with this notice about some Mandatory Training for First Aid, CPR and Fire Extinguisher training.

They split the entire work force of us plebians in two and scheduled both 8 hour classes for consecutive Fridays, starting at 7 AM.

See anything there?

So when those of us on the later shift pointed out that it would give us a six hour turnaround, we were told that we could leave a couple of hours early on Thursday night so we could maybe get some sleep.


Except wait a minute.

That would mean I wouldn’t get my 40 hours and they only pay overtime after that 40 hour thresh hold.

So I would basically be getting up shortly after I normally go to sleep. so I could go sit in this training class, on my normal day off, for straight time for the first two hours.

OHHHHHH no no no no no we aren’t.


So I went in two hours early and got my 40 hours in.

Then I got home about 11:30.

I tried relaxing for a bit and finally tried to just go to sleep about 12:30 but I had a hard time getting there. Then I had to get up twice to piss before my phone alarm went off at 5:45.

I gargled down a cup of coffee, got cleaned up a bit and left here at 6:15 so I could stop at the convenient mart on the way. I get there, punch the clock and go to the conference room and see a bunch of other guys standing around. 7 AM comes and goes. A few minutes later my boss come in and tells us there was some kind of mix up on some woman’s part back on the East Coast and now the instructor won’t be there until 8 AM.

This is another company doing the training.

Allow me to pause here for a moment for effect and let all that sink in.

The guy finally shows up and starts unloading all his training materials and we get started. He introduces himself and the informs us that his previous employment was being a Roadie for Rock and Roll bands…

I have been through these classes numerous times over my forty year career.

I have also noticed a definite decline in the quality of information in the First Aid content until it is now to the point of almost being completely worthless. The usual video’s and a course study handout that is unbelievably brief.

Personal protective wear and call 911 is about the sum of it.

If your kid has a splinter in his finger, the first thing you need to do is put on protective eye wear and non latex gloves so you don’t get any germs from your phone when you dial 911.

I can literally see the fruits of the education system being reaped here.

Saying it has been Dumbed down would be being kind.

The CPR class was a little better, you might survive cardiac arrest if someone nearby has taken this class, as long as they or someone else has a cell phone and an AED, one of those portable defibillators.

The Fire Extinguisher class is yet another video along with some discussion and they test your ability to use an extinguisher with a simulated fire on a screen like a television set and a fire extinguisher that has a laser pointer on the end of the hose. You point at the “fire” on the screen and sweep it back and forth at the bottom.

This old man was the fastest out of 12 guys and put it out in 4.7 seconds.

Some took 3 times that long.

The company did buy pizza for lunch and the instructor was smart enough to see that we were a bunch of grouchy working guys so he burned through the whole thing in record time. I got out of there at 1:30 instead of 3. I wasn’t home a half hour and I was out cold. Slept for an hour and a half.

So now my sleep schedule is all fucked up too.

After all that I am now certified in all 3 subjects and pretty much just plain certifiable.

I have decided that I ain’t doing Fuck All the rest of the day, It’s already 5 in the afternoon, no point in getting started on anything now.


12 thoughts on “What Did I Do On My Day Off?

  1. The purpose of these “training classes” is not to impart knowledge or skills. It’s to satisfy some brain dead bean counter somewhere and to help save on the cost of insurance premiums.


  2. Feel your pain Phil. Over 40 years I have lost count of all the emergency training that companies have insisted we need to take. It has more to do with liability (theirs) and insurance than saving anyone’s life. Now if they would only pay for firearms training and range time on a quarterly basis all would all be forgiven. Sadly hell will freeze over before that happens. Silly no gun stickers on the doors are sure going to protect the occupants. Meh!


  3. “A few minutes later my boss come in and tells us there was some kind of mix up on some woman’s part back on the East Coast” That is where it all fell apart. Now, is the “woman” gonna take responsibility for a major fuck up? Well no, she is not accountable… I rest my case.


  4. Good thing you didn’t have to do any forklift recert also, or my money would be on you to run someone over for being fucking stupid.


  5. Several security instructions are issued every month in the company I am working.
    A colleague working on a huge lathe recently showed me the latest security instruction he got.
    He was told in no uncertain terms that he must not Stephan onto the bed of the lathe.
    He couldn’t do any work without stepping on that bed – but since the surface is oily he might slip and hurt himself.
    „We know you have to step on that bed but from now on you‘re doing it on your own risk!“
    That’s essentially what they’re saying.
    You’re right. It’s an insurance issue.


  6. We do first aid/CPR certification every other year. The one a couple years ago was done by an active EMT. He didn’t go right out of the book. It was actually not awful. He went in depth about heart attacks. I believe that class saved my life 6 months later when I had a heart attack. Knew exactly what was going on, and what to do


  7. The only worthwhile First Responder training I ever got was from Bill Rodgers (Jimmie’s cousin) when I was at GP in Camas.
    Everything after that was a bad joke.


  8. Didn’t mind the annual training because it was a chance to sleep through another boring class conducted at the 10 year old level. Then they got on an anti suicide kick even though there were no suicides. Pretty soon we had to go to suicide awareness briefings once a month. Meanwhile, work was backing up. Stood up and told them I’d rather jump off a bridge than go to another suicide briefing. Now they’re back to 5 minute briefing every other year.


  9. When you aren’t trained, an attorney can sue for lack of training. When you are trained, someone injured can sue your for not being properly trained. When you are trained, your company can feel comfort in knowing they’ve satisfied another bureaucrat. When you are trained, you acquire something (at a nominal fee), that requires more money each year to insure you’re up to date. When you are trained, regardless of your knowledge, you’re forced to be involved in training for something you’ve known for years.

    I have a few more years, and when the time arrives, I can abstain from the madness called training. Considering my past observations, at that time, we’ll have most ignorant people being trained by the most ignorant trainers, and the cost for this training will be substantially more than it is today.


  10. Phil, I had a similar experience. My last two jobs before I became disabled
    were at paper mills. I was a maintenance mechanic/electrician/instrumentation
    technician. Paper mills are all alike, imagine a 19th-century management
    culture and the railroad scene in Blazing Saddles.

    I underwent first aid/CPR/AED (Automatic Electronic Defibrillator) training.
    The woman teaching the class was a forty-something and she was a
    fellow rebel. When it came to the administration of drugs, she taught us
    how to cheat. The best example was someone suffering an anaphylactic
    shock in a public place. If the victim was unresponsive, she advised
    us to look for an Epi-Pen, whisper in victims ear, and finally put your
    ear to the lips of the victim. Since there was a loophole in the law,
    you can simply tell the bystanders It’s OK, he/she gave me permission.

    I am a smartass by nature and something funny happened during the
    training session. A dumb ass Tour Boss (shift supervisor) chimed
    in on lesson on emergency childbirth. He asked if there was something
    that could be done to delay the delivery. My mom told me as a kid
    that when the time came, there was no force on Earth that could
    stop it. A smile was already forming on the instructors face when I
    when I blurted out “Sure if you have big cork and a hammer!”

    I guess her mother told her the same thing because she nearly
    doubled over laughing. That class was the best part of my
    work in paper mills. For two years I was Red Cross certified
    and to this day I always have a fully stocked first aid kit that
    includes CPR masks.

    Shit, I even have an industrial size ABC fire extinguisher at home,
    not one of those thermos bottle size kitchen types.


  11. My favorite part is “the success rate is 3% (or some such small number) if you actually needed CPR. We used to pay for classes that did actually teach you something. Now the fire hall does free ones that are worth exactly what you pay for. What has it been reduced to, Compressions only, no breaths? because of the HIV risk. If you haven’t broken their ribs, you didn’t do it right.
    If there’s not a shock bag around, you didn’t get trained to save anyone. If there is a shock bag, you still don’t know how to save a life.
    Like the joke of the guy, rattlesnake bit in his Johnson: Doc says You’re gonna die.
    But a good fire extinguisher is worth it’s weight in gold. If what you’re saving is worth saving.


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