By The Handful

overflow_431When I was a kid my dear old Grandma would often say that if she knew how much it hurt to get old that she’d have never done it.

If you are over forty, you will understand what she was talking about.

She also had a name for the strange phenomenon of feeling fine when you went to bed and then waking up with some strange pain that causes limited movement like a crick in the neck or a shoulder that suddenly doesn’t want to rotate, again, if you are over forty, you know exactly what I am talking about.

She called them Mystery Pains.

Hurting for no good reason.

As tore the fuck up as I am from being such a crazy sonofabitch in my youth, I eat Ibuprofen by the fucking handful almost on some days.

I get Mystery Pains all the time but if I sit and think about it for a minute I can usually come up with either a car wreck, a motorcycle accident, a skateboard crash or a bicycle wreck that explains it.

When you have been in as many crashes as I have, you start to really marvel at how tough a bastard Evel Kneivel really must have been.

He was my hero when I was young and I have pulled some stunts that should have killed my ass dead.

Apparently God has plans for me. If nothing else, as an example of what not to do when you are young and full of piss and vinegar.


25 thoughts on “By The Handful

  1. Experience is what you get when it doesn’t kill you, otherwise you fall into the category of “Example, Bad”.
    Sounds like you and I are well “experienced”…

    Here, hold my beer…


  2. I just wish the makers of Ibuprofen and Tylenol would market them in a “Pez” dispenser. I too pop them like candy. It beats being a heroin or Oxycontin junkie. I know I would make a terrible junkie. Any thing more then OTC pain relievers scare the hell out of me.


  3. I rode bulls from the age of 12 to 18 when my college football coach suggested i quit. Truth is I think football fucked me up worse than the bulls and buckin horses I’m 47 and sometimes I can’t hardly get outta bed.


  4. I’m 64, been ridin’ motorcycles since I was 13. I hear ya and really do feel yer pain. The worst fuckup I was ever in, I hit a car head on one night, a ’66 Ford Galaxie 500. It left a mark. All the wrecks, bike and cage, I was ever in, I’d bet my blood alcohol level was never lower then .2 in any of ’em. Same with all the “hold muh beer” jackassery. Finally, after 20 yrs’a this, I thought I might need to quit drinkin’ and doin’ drugs… Haven’t been in a fuckup since.
    My mama usta always say “God loves children and fools”, think she might’a had somethin’ there…


    • My mom used to say, “God watches over fools and small children. And you’re not a small child any more!”

      Pretty much sums it up. I’m lucky to be alive – 4 times over!


      • Amen to that. I never figgered to live anywhere near this long or I’d’a been more careful…
        Nah, who’m I tryin’ to kid? I’d do most of it again.


        • And I forgot to mention, most days I eat Ibuprofen like M&M’s. Doc says it ain’t good on my stomach, but at my age, what is? I ain’t takin’ prescription shit…


  5. Careful with the ibuprofen.

    Dad had back surgery for stenosis that included a spacer between a couple of vertebrae. Developed an internal infection that attacked his kidneys. Taking ibuprofen for the pain before the discovery of the infection further damaged his kidneys. Kidney function is slowly returning but he’s still doing dialysis 3 times a week.

    Your mileage may vary, but…


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