It Begins

The Christmas bullshit has started.

The Wifely Unit woke my ass up a bit ago so we can start the running around crap.

She was at least smart enough to have a cup of coffee in her hand as a minimal peace offering.

I gotta take her, the oldest boy and the niece out for breakfast.

I staggered around and got changed, went and had a smoke and poured the coffee straight down my throat.

While I was getting my clothes out I’m talking to the niece and she is sitting on her ass playing with her phone.

We all get ready to go and she declares she needs to take a shower.

That’s one.

Get the fuck in there, wash your little Hoo Ha and get the fuck ready to go chick.

While we are waiting on her ass, the Wife starts in on The Tree.

Gotta go get the tree today.

Mumble Grumble, Curse the day I was born. I fucking hate that shit and she knows it damn good and well because I hammer on it every year.

You go pick the fucker out then call me and I’ll go get it and bring it home.

Oh no, I have the day off today so I can go with, right after I pay for breakfast.

Oh by the way, I have something else I need you to go pick up, it’s a gaming cabinet.

I told her that if you tell me it’s at IKEA I will kill you where you stand.

Oh no, it’s at …. The Mall.



Besides ten thousand brain dead zombie motherfuckers all shuffling along in herds, do you know what else they have at The Mall?

Christmas music.


I’m gonna be RAGING by the time I get outta that cocksucker.

I also have to drive over to Commieville and get more smokes sometime before Rush hour so my day is pretty much FUCKED before I open the front door.

It’s going to be a long day, I can see it coming.

I need more coffee.

Grouchy doesn’t even begin to cover it.

Look out you motherfuckers because I am coming your way.

24 thoughts on “It Begins

  1. As a teenager I worked at a place called Santa’s Village. During those four months or so I listened to a lifetime’s worth of Christmas music. Ruined me for life. I feel you pain.


  2. A cottage industry is out their waiting. It only involves a small bar, with nothing but hard liquor, van service, a large screen television, and models serving drinks with nothing on but Victoria’s Secret lingerie. Of course, it would only last one Christmas season at the mall. After that, not only would husbands not be welcome to go shopping, they’d be allowed to sleep undisturbed.


  3. Ya know, those shooting headsets, they work at malls and Walmart to cut down on a ton of the noise.

    Plus, it makes you look ‘weird’ so people will leave you the hell alone.

    As to Christmas music. I love Christmas carols. The shit they call Christmas music these days, hate and burn, hate and BURN…


    • Trust me, people leave me the hell alone anyway.
      I’m six feet tall, old, look pissed the fuck off all the time, mean, have a long white beard and am wearing a SLAYER ball cap when I go out.
      Women and children walk way the hell around me in public places.
      Young tough guys move out of my way every fucking day.
      All I gotta do is look ’em in the eye.
      They see Grampa ain’t gonna play nice.
      Sometimes it cracks my ass up.
      It’s all in the attitude and the way you carry yourself.


      • Phil, ya gotta front up to the shopping centre management office to leave feedback on their Xmas musak. Tell ’em you’ll send them a cocktail special delivery, you think so much of their choices; a Molotov cocktail!
        That, and your appearance, will get “SECURITY to centre management, RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!”


  4. I feel ya brother! Not only do I hate Christmas but I used to work in a Mall, Macy’s furniture dept to top it off. Imagine if you will all the shopping widows and misbehaved children descending on your work space while you’re trying to make money and they only lay around, spilling shit and being loud while you’re trying to sell furniture that nobody want’s and few can afford. That I did that for five years and didn’t kill anyone is a true Christmas miracle.


  5. I was married 15 years, was a custodial Dad for 8 years. Have now been 35 years a single guy. I feel your pain…..Not that I advocate divorce, just worked for me ya know.


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