It seems that the same theory applies to coffeepots and coffee makers too.
I don’t know why that is.
Was it last year or the year before, I can’t remember shit anymore, that the Wifely Unit just HAD to have this fancy fucking coffee maker for Christmas?
I think it was two years ago now, I dunno. Anyway. Gotta have this fancy motherfucker that you can make a regular pot of coffee with or one single cup.
Just making one, you can either use a little wire screen to use regular coffee or those infernal little round plastic cup thingies that you can pay through the nose for and have ten fucking thousand kinds of different shit in ’em. You know what I’m talking about,
I hate that fucking thing.
Hate the fucker.
I hate all of those new coffee makers and coffee pots.
For one thing, I have yet to find one that has a coffee pot with a decent fucking pour spout.
I hate standing there holding the cocksucker, carefully pouring a steady stream of water into the sonofabitch, they all have this little plastic lid you gotta flip up to pour the water in.
Fuck that, I’m a guy. make the lid huge and the spout wide and deep so I can POUR the fucking water IN the bastard and not ON it, over it and all over the motherfucking counter!
How fucking hard is it to design something like that, you pencil necked, weeny assed designer fags?
THEN, we have the spot to put the coffee grounds in.
That requires a plastic, cup /funnel like container to put a coffee filter and the grounds in. Every one of the designers has spec’d in a feature on these of some kind that makes them only fight right in one position. God help you if you somehow mange to get it in there kittywampus somehow.
Every single one of these damn things now also have a little check valve built into them so that the glass coffee pot has to be set under this housing, just right, or the hot water/coffee doesn’t come out of the filter housing and drip into the pot.
If you don’t get that glass pot under there just exactly right because, say, you are barely fucking awake and NEED A CUP OF COFFEE TO WAKE THE FUCK UP WITH, the hot water/coffee backs the fuck up in the filter housing, overflows all over the top of the pot, the kitchen counter and anything else sitting there, bringing a flood surge of soggy fucking coffee grounds with it, because no fucking adult ever, was capable of making a pot of coffee without fifteen different kinds of safety features.
It does all this of course, while you are blissfully unaware and busy doing other things first fucking thing in the morning.
Only to return with fervent wishes of finally having a fresh, hot cup of coffee waiting for you and not some fucking mini coffee volcano pyroclastic flow demonstration all over the damn kitchen counters.
Just to up the aggravation and difficulty factor, my Sister In law, in one of her many peculiar personality manifestations, has decided that regular coffee has too much caffeine in it for her delicate system. So she has to make a TWO CUP pot of coffee, every fucking morning, using Half Decaf coffee grounds, before she runs off to work, leaving those coffee grounds in the filter housing, of course.
Like there is SUCH A THING as too much caffeine in the morning?!
Knowing all this now, throw a half awake, lazy sonofabitch into this equation.
I stagger in there, dump out the last of her fucking wussy coffee, fill the pot with water, pour most of it in the coffee maker, flip the lid where the grounds go in, see the thing about a quarter full of her wussy shit, say Fuck It and dump three more scoops of REGULAR coffee grounds in there on top of them, push the pot under the fucking thing, hit the damn button and stagger off to find my phone, lighter and cigarettes, waiting for it to do it’s thing.
Only to come back and find a giant fucking mess all over the place because I didn’t get that fucking coffee pot in the exact geographic center underneath the filter housing.
This happens more often than I like.
Because once, is more than I like.
What I want, is one of these,
Obviously Stupid Simple, the cretins at 7-11 use them all the time, wicked fast and your coffee is ready, sir.
What’s not to like?
There are only 3 obstacles in my way for this to happen.
They are expensive, they require a dedicated water line and my wife would flip the fuck out if I even dared to mention it.
I suppose I could find a used one and figure out a way to tap into the intake for the hot water heater out in the garage………