They Say A Watched Pot Never Boils

It seems that the same theory applies to coffeepots and coffee makers too.

I don’t know why that is.

Was it last year or the year before, I can’t remember shit anymore, that the Wifely Unit just HAD to have this fancy fucking coffee maker for Christmas?

I think it was two years ago now, I dunno. Anyway. Gotta have this fancy motherfucker that you can make a regular pot of coffee with or one single cup.

Just making one, you can either use a little wire screen to use regular coffee or those infernal little round plastic cup thingies that you can pay through the nose for and have ten fucking thousand kinds of different shit in ’em. You know what I’m talking about,

flexbrew

Those.

I hate that fucking thing.

Seriously.

Hate the fucker.

I hate all of those new coffee makers and coffee pots.

For one thing, I have yet to find one that has a coffee pot with a decent fucking pour spout.

I hate standing there holding the cocksucker, carefully pouring a steady stream of water into the sonofabitch, they all have this little plastic lid you gotta flip up to pour the water in.

Fuck that, I’m a guy. make the lid huge and the spout wide and deep so I can POUR the fucking water IN the bastard and not ON it, over it and all over the motherfucking counter!

How fucking hard is it to design something like that, you pencil necked, weeny assed designer fags?

Jesus Christ!

THEN, we have the spot to put the coffee grounds in.

That requires a plastic, cup /funnel like container to put a coffee filter and the grounds in. Every one of the designers has spec’d in a feature on these of some kind that makes them only fight right in one position. God help you if you somehow mange to get it in there kittywampus somehow.

Every single one of these damn things now also have a little check valve built into them so that the glass coffee pot has to be set under this housing, just right, or the hot water/coffee doesn’t come out of the filter housing and drip into the pot.

If you don’t get that glass pot under there just exactly right because, say, you are barely fucking awake and NEED A CUP OF COFFEE TO WAKE THE FUCK UP WITH, the hot water/coffee backs the fuck up in the filter housing, overflows all over the top of the pot, the kitchen counter and anything else sitting there, bringing a flood surge of soggy fucking coffee grounds with it, because no fucking adult ever, was capable of making a pot of coffee without fifteen different kinds of safety features.

It does all this of course, while you are blissfully unaware and busy doing other things first fucking thing in the morning.

Only to return with fervent wishes of finally having a fresh, hot cup of coffee waiting for you and not some fucking mini coffee volcano pyroclastic flow demonstration all over the damn kitchen counters.

Just to up the aggravation and difficulty factor, my Sister In law, in one of her many peculiar personality manifestations, has decided that regular coffee has too much caffeine in it for her delicate system. So she has to make a TWO CUP pot of coffee, every fucking morning, using Half Decaf coffee grounds, before she runs off to work, leaving those coffee grounds in the filter housing, of course.

Like there is SUCH A THING as too much caffeine in the morning?!

Knowing all this now, throw a half awake, lazy sonofabitch into this equation.

I stagger in there, dump out the last of her fucking wussy coffee, fill the pot with water, pour most of it in the coffee maker, flip the lid where the grounds go in, see the thing about a quarter full of her wussy shit, say Fuck It and dump three more scoops of REGULAR coffee grounds in there on top of them, push the pot under the fucking thing, hit the damn button and stagger off to find my phone, lighter and cigarettes, waiting for it to do it’s thing.

Only to come back and find a giant fucking mess all over the place because I didn’t get that fucking coffee pot in the exact geographic center underneath the filter housing.

This happens more often than I like.

Because once, is more than I like.

What I want, is one of these,

$_35

Obviously Stupid Simple, the cretins at 7-11 use them all the time, wicked fast and your coffee is ready, sir.

What’s not to like?

There are only 3 obstacles in my way for this to happen.

They are expensive, they require a dedicated water line and my wife would flip the fuck out if I even dared to mention it.

I suppose I could find a used  one and figure out a way to tap into the intake for the hot water heater out in the garage………

 

20 thoughts on “They Say A Watched Pot Never Boils

  1. Phil, you are good at finding things other people threw away. Go around to garage sales, and business closings/auctions. I’m sure you’ll get something you like soon. But, you can’t have any of mine after I kick-off (could you ask the “Wifely Unit” (your words) for an early Christmas present?)

    Like

  2. Damn you are a crotchety old fart before your coffee… but I can sympathizes with ya! I too hate the damn putting the pot exactly back and then you have to pour the coffee once it is made carefully because the same fucks that designed the other shit couldn’t design a pour spout that Niagara falls the coffee into a bigfuckingcup. It’s like it thinks it pours into a dainty china tea cup for ladies. I want coffee NOW!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. We have one like your desired model at my rifle club, but it doesn’t take a water hook up. You just lift the lid above where the pot is after you load the grounds in the filter section. It will automatically start dripping hot coffee within seconds. A twelve cup pot is done in about 3 or 4 minutes…………..

    Like

  4. It should have said:
    You just lift the lid above where the pot is after you load the grounds in the filter section and pour a pot of water in there.

    Maybe I need a couple more cups………..

    Like

  5. A good single or double element Bunn coffeemaker should be easy to find. Check out the local restaurant supply houses and they’ll have used units for a cheap price, or chase down one of those coffee-service trucks and ask how much for one to fall off the back, so to speak.

    Like

  6. Keurig. An absolutely ingenious idea to rape customers on the price of coffee in the name of convenience. And convince you to buy the machine to do it. Our daughter got us one.

    Coffee you can see through is not coffee, so that means dark roast with this thing. Even on the mug setting, it only fills my mug just over half full. If you just want a warm-up, you can’t because there is no pot. You have to use another K-cup. So now you have spent $1.00 in your own house for one cup of coffee.

    The good news is that we just put new counter tops in our kitchen, and now have room to run our old rig too. It is a Cuisinart that we have had for at least two decades. The wife cycled it on “self clean” with some vinegar solution, so it should be back on line shortly.

    Like

  7. A friend of mine used to own a restaurant. He had a commercial restaurant coffee maker for his home. He and his wife put me shame when it came needing a strong cup of coffee and needing it right now.
    I use a 12 cup stainless steel stovetop percolator. They go for around $40 – $50 for a good one. Not much to go wrong. No filters. Just slap that babby on the stove and it’s good to go. Once it’s ready, I pour the whole thing in a restaurant style air pot. Stays hot for hours.
    Where I’m really fussy is my choice of coffee. I roast my own organic fair trade beans. Sounds expensive, but it’s hella cheaper than those stupid K cups. Way better coffee too.

    Like

  8. I found a 1950s percolator a fews years back. I love the sound in the am, like a steam engine, while I’m reading TVC and other stuff. If the grind is too fine (yeah, you Costco), it pukes all over the counter, but that was my fault, not the perc.

    Perc coffee isn’t bitter, and I like it better than the once and done drip types. But you are right, how much safer is it to have a burping, slurping mess coming out the top, instead of in the pot? I bet the designers never made coffee in their short, miserable lives…

    I’d grind my own, but I’d have to find the cheapest beans I could to do that. I think Scrooge McDuck is kin….

    Like

  9. I did what Kw suggested years ago: I bought my own personal coffee pot that *nobody* but me and the little baby Jesus are allowed to touch. Even the cats (who are convinced that everything belongs to them) steer clear of that machine.

    Protip: you know those lighting timers that are used to turn the house lights on and off when you’re away? They work just fine. If I do it right, I can get up, pee, and the thing will be just finishing up when I stagger into the kitchen with murder in my heart and blood in my eyes.

    Like

  10. https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B005IR4W7W/ref=sr_ob_13?ie=UTF8&qid=1543032009&sr=8-13

    BIG place on the side to pour water. Or pull it out and fill it and put it back. Easy basket for grounds (and a screen if you don’t like paper filters).

    Makes 10 cups of coffee in less than 5 minutes.

    Put yer cup under and press the dispense lever. Even a light so you can see how full the cup is.

    and a timer so it will start when you want it to. Wake up to fresh coffee instead of having to start it.

    I have one. Keeps people alive in the morning. Hot coffee fast.

    Or, you should be able to get a Bun top pour coffeemaker at a used restaurant supply cheap. They are pretty reliable Only thing that ever goes wrong is the heating elements for the pot and they are pretty cheap Or a switch….also cheap.

    Like

Pansies, Trolls and Liberals are urged to flee this place.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s