I swear this Bronco is going to push me over the edge of insanity.
When we last visited this continuing clusterfuck of biblical proportions, I had ordered a new CPU, installed it, drove it and had it shit the bed right in the driveway.
I then had to go retrieve the original, take the new one back out and give it back to those dumbasses at NAPA and reorder another one, while sticking the original one back in and disconnecting the idle speed solenoid to keep the engine from idling at 2500 rpm.
I was told at NAPA that it would take one week to get here and they would call me to let me know when it got there. That was a week ago last Friday.
This past Friday I was out of town but had plenty of phone service.
I didn’t hear a fucking word out of them and mentally noted that fact. Same thing Saturday, same thing yesterday.
I woke up this morning and called those motherfuckers before I even had a cup of coffee.
Of course, the guy I am talking to knows nothing about all this.
He puts me on hold to go look for it.
Several minutes later he comes back and says he can’t find it.
As you can probably imagine, I am now completely ready to go down there and tear anyone within earshot a new asshole.
Instead, I took a deep breath and asked to speak to the manager.
I was going to make those motherfuckers pay for Next Day Air to get one here.
He tells me the manager is right there and puts me on hold for another minute or so.
During that minute, I am taking very deep breaths and planning what I can say to this guy that is just short of being illegal or getting me hung up on.
Instead, the first guy picks the phone up and tells me that he found it and it had JUST BEEN DELIVERED BY UPS.
Fine, I will be there shortly and you don’t have a clue how lucky you are pal.
I have now had this processor in and out of this Bronco so many fucking times that I literally had the cocksucker out and in my hand in 5 minutes.
I also found out that I was so pissed off last time that when I tightened up the Positive battery cable I actually broke the motherfucker without realizing it so I gotta get a new one of those too.
Off I go.
except this time, as I am seething my way through traffic, I decide FUCK these guys, I am gonna keep my old one for now in case this cocksucker don’t work again and just put the whole thing on my credit card.
$230 in all.
The moron at the counter is yet another clueless imbecile so I had to explain what I came for in short words so he could understand what I was saying.
I get the fucker without issuing any veiled threats and then go get a new screen protector for my phone that finally gave up the ghost over the weekend.
Come home, throw the fucker in, put the new battery cable on and start the bitch up.
Whattayafuckingknow, it works.
So did the last one, for a short while.
So I run it around the block a couple of times, pull in the driveway, shut it off and restart it several times.
So far so good.
I take it on a bit longer drive, pull in the driveway and BIGGER THAN SHIT, it has a hiccup and then the idle goes from 900 to 1200, then 2000, then 2800 rpms.
Jesus Fucking Christ!
I shut the cocksucker off and put my face in my hands.
I can’t fucking win.
Started the fucker back up and it idled fine. Took it on another short drive and floored it for a second.
The Check Engine light came on.
Brought the fucker back, hooked the tester up to it and got codes 23,34 and 41.
I’m not sure if it’s because the calibration isn’t right on the new one or if the old one was so fucked up it wouldn’t spit codes anymore.
Code 23 is the throttle position sensor. I don’t think it has been replaced yet and I have wondered many times if that bastard doesn’t have a glitchy spot in it.
That will be next and they are a fucker to change because they are on the bottom of the throttle assembly. Ya gotta take it off the manifold and turn it over to get at the screws and then it has to be adjusted properly before you reassemble everything.
That’s coming though.
34 is the damn EGR position sensor and I have replaced that cocksucker already.
Code 41 is the engine running lean.
I find that hard to believe because the damn thing has always run so rich it will make your eyes water sitting at a light with the window down.
So, here we go again, down the fucking path chasing this shit.
I already told the old lady that because the original CPU is 30 years old and I know it’s fucked up that I will leave the new one in. If it can’t keep the idle speed down I will disconnect that fucking idle speed solenoid again, drive the piss out of it and ignore the Check Engine Light for now.
So, as usual, Situation Normal, All Fucked Up.
Such is the story of my life.
On a related note to that, one of the reasons I Blog is to vent.
It helps me keep from blowing my stack to put my thoughts down sometimes.
Blog is short for Web Log, kind of a personal electronic diary of sorts.
Sometimes that is why I write the things I do.
I could keep this all to myself and I’m sure some people wish that I would but sometimes it can be entertaining to read for some folks.
The only thing between keeping it to myself and sharing it with the world is pushing the Publish button, twice.
If you are so inclined, stay tuned because this little episode in my life is apparently far from over and I just don’t see it having a Fairy Tale ending by any stretch of the imagination.